O, thee with privilege (or how shall you light the world?)

Terras irradient
“Let them give light to the world.”
- Amherst College motto

I feel better this past month about the issues I'm going to raise below. But I wrote this because for the last year, I have been returning to a personal debate of what I should be doing and what I should be thinking of doing. Some of you know that I chose to not do Teach For America because I do not want to support the organization. I believe one voice makes a difference in challenging America to truly educate its citizens. So here I am taking out a loan for just my credential program and unsure if I even want to complete my masters in education because I do not know how long I want to teach. To complete the masters program is expensive and not necessarily sought after by the Oakland Unified School District.

Then I think about professorship. One day, I can’t imagine anything better to do. Worse, I get excited thinking about how I want to push and expand how the world understands history, culture, and race. Then the next day, I picture my soul being suffocated in a isolated ivory tower office. The lingering question in my mind is how much of my interest is about prestige? Is that the driving force of my desire to pursue more education? If I am such a big believer of working with the people, then why am I leaving them?

And why do I want to leave? Some days, I feel like I am gasping for air in Oakland. This will always be my (second) home, but I want more. The world has shrunken and I have lengthy arms that could work toward change in faraway places if I chose. This is the privilege of having the opportunities that I’ve had. Is it right to follow the path I believe I need, for now? What about the long view?

What do I owe?

It's a question I will ask, always. I’ve rationalized over this plenty, of course. For now, I am thinking that while one person makes a difference, I am a human being (which is saying a lot but not much) amidst the workings of a much larger and deeper imperfect set-up. I am no martyr. People of color, working class peoples, and other people from disadvantaged backgrounds cannot be to only ones working to change this oppressive structure. So while I am a person who feels the responsibility of improving the lives of the disadvantaged, I refuse to existentially restrict myself to that load. I want to inspire and educate others to become Subjects of history. At the end of the day, I KNOW this. But some days, I don’t FEEL this. I feel guilt and uncertainty; the dual and reciprocating burden and freedom of my experiences.


“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” –Ellison in Invisible Man